Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
