Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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