I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
