Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
