Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize