So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
