chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Randomize