I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
