you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize