I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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