I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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