R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
His hands were made for my vagina.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize