New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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