I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
