My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
