his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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