Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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