four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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