that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Randomize
