The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
