Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
