I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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