you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
