she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
