I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
