Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
pop tarts are not kleenex
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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