She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
