What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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