I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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