our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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