My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
