what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize