I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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