I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
