he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
