I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
