theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
