I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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