My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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