we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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