Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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