laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
