if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize