Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
My vagina just recognized that song.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
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