"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
