I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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