I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
