it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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