I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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