I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
