I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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