this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
