oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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