I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
