All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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