Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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