does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
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