I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
