last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
